A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words and Not All of Them Are Nice

Posted on February 20, 2012 by Bob Goddard

Hiliary came with me for Lesson #18 to take photos. It’s hard to take a picture of yourself on a horse while you’re on it and it’s good equestrian practice to have a third party attend to that detail for you.  All the top equestrians have a support staff and for Lesson #18 mine consisted of a life-sized action figure wrapped in a winter blanket.

Bless her heart, she took close to 300 photos. And some video.

I picked Maree over Avenir for the lesson. I like both of them, but Avenir is harder to get moving and I make an effort to limit the number of hard things I do during any given day.

As it turns out, the easier the road you take, the more mileage you’re expected to cover.  Maree and I are at a point in our relationship where I should be able to demonstrate some good riding technique.

Should be.

Karin says I’m lucky because I’m like a blank page and I still have the opportunity to establish good riding habits from the beginning. It’s easier to do that than breaking bad ones later, she says.

So: doing it the hard way now is easier than doing it a harder way later.

The one thing I keep hearing over and over again is the thing about “proper body (mine) alignment”.  There is an imaginary line – much like the equator, only up & down – that runs vertically from the rider’s heel to the hip to the ear. This line must run perpendicular to the Earth’s surface. Everyone says it: Karin, Liz, Brenda, Jamie, Hiliary, the Handless Judge, commenters on this blog, The Experts in Books, friendly people passing by.

So either there is a massive, ridiculously complex conspiracy going on (and thus all bets are off on any take I have on reality) or I have some serious work to do.

This was brought home to me in a big way when Hiliary announced that in addition to the 270-some photos, she also caught me on some video using her cell phone. Those damn things.  And when did she have time for this?

She had seven or eight little 60-second snippets.  All I can say is: ugly, ugly, ugly.

Ugly.

But now – as hard as it was to watch these – I can see what everyone is talking about.  These images are now burned into what’s left of my brain.  And I will bring them to my next lesson.

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Kate Upton and Ryan Gosling: Equestrian Superheroes

Posted on February 16, 2012 by Bob Goddard

Before I get back to Avenir and Maree, I need to get one thing straight: Equestrian Ryan Gosling and Bob the Equestrian are not the same person. The confusion is understandable, given the striking resemblance and the fact that the word “equestrian” appears near both of our names on the Internet.

But here, let’s clear this up now.  If you study these photos carefully enough you’ll note subtle differences in our appearance:

Not Bob the Equestrian

Not Equestrian Ryan Gosling

 

Also, according to my research, Ryan Gosling is not an equestrian per se.  As I understand it, Mr. Gosling is an actor with roots in the Disney world.  And he appears to have a rather rabid following. His last movie is about driving a car.

The equestrian part comes from a blog called Equestrian Ryan Gosling. Here, Gosling is featured in assorted poses accompanied by the words “Hey girl” followed by various suggestions, promises, observations, wishes and wants all with equestrian related associations.

The “Hey girl” concept is derived from other blogs featuring the same idea, but not equestrian.  I derived it from Amy Vodraska’s A Work in Progress  who derived it from Marissa at Tucker the Wunderkind. I didn’t check to see how far this goes because the Internet is too big.

Clearly, Gosling’s fans enjoy viewing photos of him on their computer monitors. The “Hey girl” phenomenon is driven by genuine carnal appreciation laced with a gentle brand of feminist parody.  It works because the lizard part of the human brain picks up on the visual images and allows viewers to experience the illusion that the subject in the photo is actually looking directly back at them.

I’m not exactly sure of the origins of the “Hey, girl” greeting, but I vaguely recall something about some song with the lyrics “hey girl” followed by suggestions/comments/observations/promises/wants & wishes directed, of course, toward “The Girl”.  I believe it was performed by some heartthrob, boy-band type – a Justin Bieber/Timberlake/Trent Reznor sort of thing. Although, no need to get any closer to that last reference.

Or perhaps it was Gosling himself. Now, that would make sense.

Anyway, for a 24-hour period this week, I was under the impression that Ryan Gosling was an actual equestrian celebrity in the Anna Kournikova mold. I mulled over how I might – at least in my mind – bring this giant down a notch or two through the use of sarcastic wit and withering satire.  Of course, this never actually solves anything, but it can be temporarily satisfying.

Then I began to notice something: none of the photos on Equestrian Ryan Gosling actually had him on a horse or in any kind of equestrian gear.  In fact, further research revealed that other than the blog Equestrian Ryan Gosling, there is no mention of this guy being associated with any sort of horseback riding whatsoever.  And I would have been punching at plain thin air. But for a short time, I considered him a significant rival and near twin. This equestrian super hero was just getting way too much attention.

Now let’s contrast the Gosling phenomenon with that of Kate Upton. Ms. Upton is an actual equestrian. She showed for the American Paint Horse Association – at the national level.  Kate won three APHA Reserve World Championships on her horse, Roanie Pony. She ended up third overall on the APHA youth Top Twenty. And she was top 5 in the 14-18 Horsemanship and 14-18 Western Pleasure in 2009 on a horse named Zipped.  Other achievements include being on the cover of this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

Kate Upton: Real Equestrian

Hooray for Kate Upton, a genuine Equestrian Super Heroine!

This is especially exciting for us here in Michigan because Kate Upton was born in St. Joseph, on the shores of Lake Michigan. This makes her Michigan’s most famous equestrienne.  We no longer claim Detroit native and horseback rider Madonna as one of ours, due to the fake British accent.

Actually, what I really wanted to do today was a derivative of the Hey girl, using Kate Upton photos and plugging in Hey boy with equestrian related references. It seemed simple enough, but I just couldn’t make it work. The lizard part of the male brain is its main feature and I simply couldn’t master the nuances of the double entendre and thinly veiled suggestions.  Besides, my equestrian vocabulary is still rather shallow and all I had to work with were words such as up, down, on, off, saddle, reins, bit and riding.  You can imagine how that was going. Unable to elevate the crude to the clever, it came off more like lyrics from an AC/DC song.  And I didn’t want to do that here.

Next time, it’s back on my horses.

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The Dilemma of Choice

Posted on February 13, 2012 by Bob Goddard

Karin was running a little late for Lesson #18, so she told Kathy to give me a choice between riding Maree, Karin’s sweet little Quarter horse and Avenir, the Middle Linebacker of Karin’s Horse Connection.

Maree?

Ah, a choice.  Everyone loves having a choice, right? Coke or Pepsi? Diet or regular? Ford or Chevy? Or Dodge. Sweet or salty? Chocolate? Peanut Butter? Both? Left or right?  Plastic or recyclable bag? Democrat or Republican…

Well, not so much that last thing. But I wasn’t given a “None of the Above” choice. It was either Avenir or Maree.

Or Avenir?

Choose.

I weighed the pros and cons of each horse. Avenir is big. Maree is small. Avenir is harder to get going. Maree is harder to keep going.  Avenir is wider and I would sure be feeling that in a couple of days.  Maree is too short for me. After Avenir figures out what I want, he does it. After Maree figures out what she can get away with, she does that.  Both are very likable horses. Much better company than Democrats or Republicans.

Of course I didn’t vocalize all this while Kathy was waiting for me, grain scoop in hand. She needed to know what horse to feed first.

All Kathy heard was: “ummm…. well…. ahhh…  big…. ohhhh…. little …. ahhh… Democrat…. no, peanut butter… ummm…. not Donald Trump….”

And so on.

Having a choice empowers you to become part of the solution to any given problem. However, the problem with being part of the solution is that you also become part of the next problem. There are consequences to choices.

But indecision is also a choice. And a decisive guess is often a much better choice than useless waffling.

When it comes to riding horses, this is especially true.  If there is anything I’ve learned in the last 7 months, it’s that horses are mind readers and if you’re not making deliberate choices, they’re gonna know it.  And they’ll start making their own choices.

So I think it’s best to approach a riding lesson with a decisive attitude.  You’ll make mistakes, but you can learn from them.

I did finally make a choice.  And I’ll tell you about that next time.

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One for the Head

Posted on February 9, 2012 by Bob Goddard

I hopped over to Millbrook the other the day to buy my helmet.  I picked Millbrook because they’re close, they have a good selection of everything and the people are nice in there.

Yet, I still feel like a fish in a rowboat when I walk into these places alone. I instinctively avoided the English section, my old prejudices kicking up again. I mean, I like English saddles, so you would think I would be over it.

Nope. It took two trips around the store, before I risked entering The Forbidden Zone.  But I’m glad I did, because that’s where they keep the riding helmets. I think they do this on purpose.

They had a good selection all right.  The boxes sported names like “Performance”,  “Sport Riding”, “Elite”, “Olympian”. I wanted a good one, but not one that presumed anything. I didn’t know what the hell to get.

A young store clerk noted my consternation and came to my aid. Her nametag said “Kelly”.

“Are you doing okay?”  I liked that she was concerned.

“I’m not sure.  I’m looking for a riding helmet.” Sometimes you have to state the obvious in order to begin your half of a conversation.

“For your kids?”

“Indirectly it is.  No, actually it’s for me to use.”

Kelly glanced at me and said, “Oh – well, you’ll need one.”

This, I took as a compliment.  Much better than her looking at me and saying, “Ah, don’t bother.”

I nodded. “But I’m not sure what to get.”

“Well, what kind of riding are you doing?”

“I do everything. I just started last year.”

“Well, okay…”

“I want a guy kind of helmet.”

“Well, okay…”

“I’m concerned about the color.”

“Well, here…” Kelly picked up a box labeled “Troxel” and “Schooling”.

I liked the sound of that.

She opened the box and pulled out a brown helmet.

Oh yes.  Perfect. I put it on and looked at Kelly.

She nodded and smiled. “That’s a good look for you.”

Of course, there was a mirror right there. And I had to disagree with her.

“Gawd. I look like a dork.”

Kelly nodded and smiled again. “Yeah, we all say that. They’re helmets.”

That worked for me. Sometimes you have to state the obvious to make somebody feel better. And make a sale.

But really, it’s good to have a real human being on hand at such moments. I know I could have ordered this on-line and had it shipped directly to my front door. But it wouldn’t have come with a Kelly.

When I got home, my advisory committee gave their opinion.

Two paws up.

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Falling Behind in the Baby Battle

Posted on February 6, 2012 by Bob Goddard

I thought I had more time. Hiliary and Andy don’t even know the gender of the baby yet and I figured everyone would hold off buying baby stuff until we got that information. In the meantime, I could build up a secret stock of equestrian baby items and be ready to strike at the right moment. My objective was to set the tone as the Equestrian Patriarch and establish in the minds of all potential gift-givers that horse themed items were the way to go with this one.

But in a brilliant display of the indirect approach, H went out and got the baby-to-be some gender-neutral clothing:  Michigan State baby clothing with a big green “S” on every item. Andy is a big Spartan fan, so it’s works. Damn it.

It could be worse, I suppose. The Spartan thing is vaguely equestrian related – of all the institutions of higher learning in this state, I associate Michigan State the most with horses. It’s just always seemed that way to me.

But now I find myself running behind in the baby battle. My current arsenal of kid horse toys is running low, just about pathetic actually.  And what I do have isn’t appropriate for the Zero to One age bracket. Not only that, but two of my riders are missing an arm. I just don’t think that encourages anyone.

I can’t do clothes.  I’m just not psychologically equipped to shop for them. I don’t even buy my own. I mean, what the hell is a “onesie” anyway?

I’m thinking perhaps horse related bedding. The child will have to sleep sometime, right? Or perhaps a photo for his/her room. Something baby friendly that says, “I’m a horse and I like you.”  This one would be good, I think:

This week, I’m buying a riding helmet. You can bet when I walk into that tack shop I’ll have my eye out for anything appropriate for a new baby.

And I’ll probably forget to buy the helmet.

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Is it Worth it?

Posted on February 2, 2012 by Bob Goddard

One of the many incidental benefits of becoming an equestrian in my own right is the opportunity to talk to parents of horse-crazed kids.  I don’t mean the parents who are already well-seasoned horsepeople.  I mostly listen to them.

I’m referring to the parents with the dazed and confused look on their faces. They aren’t horsepeople themselves and they are uncertain where this whole horse thing is going.  They are still trying to figure out how they got into it in the first place – and whether they should be working on getting out of it.

Of course, by the time they talk to me, it’s too late.  They may not know it, but if they’ve allowed their kid to get this far, they’ve already turned the corner.  It’s like getting on the entrance ramp of the wrong major interstate freeway, you just have to merge with traffic and worry about what direction you’re going later.

There are legitimate concerns:  money, time, effort and more money. Do the parents have enough of these to dedicate to such a time consuming, money consuming and effort consuming pursuit?

And is it worth it?

Ah, there’s the rub. Because most parents will sacrifice for their kids, but they are justifiably hesitant to adopt a whole new life style if there isn’t a big payoff. There is nothing more frustrating as a parent then to invest all that time/money/effort into something just to see the kid move on to something else next year.

But if the child is genuinely serious about horses, there is indeed the potential for a big payoff. A huge one.

 

Obviously, with proper supervision, taking care of such a large, needful animal can teach a lot about responsibility. And it cultivates the nurturing instinct. It teaches the value of dedication. It helps the child become dutiful and conscientious. It helps him or her develop confidence. The child becomes confident and mature.

But there always has been something else going on here. I just can’t quite put my finger on what it is.

 

 

I’m sure there’s a word for it.

 

 

Hmmm… give me minute here.

 

It’s right on the tip of my tongue.

 

I give up. Maybe by next time, I’ll remember what it’s called.

 

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The Great White Horse

Posted on January 30, 2012 by Bob Goddard

For Lesson #17, I found myself on Avenir “The Great White Horse”, Karin’s Percheron-Paint.  He weighs in among the 1800 lbs. plus crowd. I don’t know exactly how tall he is. It doesn’t matter.

I have a lot of respect for anything that has bigger feet than I do. It’s a practical thing, really. One false move by either of us and it’s all over for my foot, no questions asked. Just hopping and cussing. I had this in mind while I groomed him.

After my previous lesson with sweet little Maree, riding on Avenir seemed like being on a whale with legs. Karin calls him her “Harley-Davidson”.  I get that.

“You’re going be sore tomorrow, Bob!  Heh, heh.”  I think Karin knew I hadn’t done my stretching again.

Karin uses Avenir for vaulting lessons, so I knew he was a good, gentle horse. And rumor had it that he has a nice, smooth gait. At first, I thought I would just have to accept the rumors because I didn’t think I was going to get the big guy to go.

He walked fine. I had no problem leading him around the arena on foot (so to speak).  Although Karin did catch me using the drill sergeant voice with him for halting.

“HALT” isn’t really effective. You have to use rising intonation to go and falling intonation to stop.  Like “HAaalltt”.  As if your battery is going dead.

And he walked fine when I got on him. The problem started when I wanted him to trot.  He just wouldn’t do it.

“He’s not like Vinnie, he’s not going to give you anything,” Karin warned.  “You have to ask him.”

Okay: “Trot, Avenir.”

Nothing.

“Please trot, Avenir… Avenir! Trot!”

Nothing.

“Trot please!  TROT! GO! TROT!”

Nothing.

“TROT DAMMIT! Just go! TROT!”

“He doesn’t understand English, Bob.  You need to kick him a little.”

You know, I found out that the farther your legs are apart, the harder it is to kick something. I couldn’t get this horse to even notice I was doing anything at all.

Karin made some kind of noise and Avenir responded to it.  He started trotting.

After a half trip around the arena, we halted – using the proper falling intonation.

“Okay, Bob,” Karin pointed to a dressage letter on the arena wall, “ by the time you get to H, have him trotting.”

I got my legs on the big horse as hard as I could, got some firm rising intonation in my voice and loosened the reins.  And gritted my teeth.

By H the big guy was trotting. I did it! He did it!

We did it.

Each time around it got easier and easier to get him to go. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a matter of just me learning how do this better. Avenir was gradually figuring out what the heck I wanted.

Once he knew for sure, we were fine.

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Heading for a Helmet

Posted on January 26, 2012 by Bob Goddard

In less than an hour, I will be walking into the barn at Karin’s Horse Connection.  After a brief conversation with Karin, we will put today’s horse on cross ties.  We will brush him while he munches on his breakfast hay and then we will saddle him. At this point Karin will turn to me and say, “Go put on a helmet.”

I’ll ramble into the tack room and search through Karin’s communal helmets for one of the two that are big enough for my head. There’s a black one and a white one.  I don’t care for either of them.

This will be the last time I’m participating in this ritual. Because, by the time I take my next lesson, I will have my own helmet. My decision is final.

There’s nothing wrong with Karin’s helmets, of course.  They provide adequate protection and do a fine job overall. And while strapping on someone else’s helmet isn’t as gross as wearing someone else’s dirty socks, it has such a transient, impersonal feel to it.  It’s like driving someone else’s car. Or wearing bowling shoes. It’s like how they must do things in communist countries. We still have those, right?

I know there are those who feel that the whole helmet thing is unnecessary in the first place. Back in the old days, no one wore helmets unless they were doing motorcycle stunts or going to war. These days we wear them for everything: bike riding, snowmobiling, skateboarding, removing the Occupy People from downtown, all manner of organized sports and occasionally, during domestic disputes.

Jenny makes it simple for me. Either I wear a helmet when we go for a bike ride or she will hurt me herself.  So in that particular case, there is no doubt that a helmet will protect me from injury.

To be sure, we can get away without wearing headgear. As long as nothing goes wrong.

Even NASCAR drivers don’t really need them. Yes, they’re going pretty fast, but since there’s not much variation in speed from one vehicle to the next, the relative danger is low – as long as nothing goes wrong. However, once something does wrong, everything happens SO darn fast, the whole situation falls apart and in an instant chaotic, traumatic, deadly danger breaks out all over the track.

It’s the same with riding horses. As long as we can predict with perfection what every single horse will do every time we ride and that they couldn’t possibly buck, rear, shy, bolt or otherwise jettison their human cargo for reasons not foreseen or immediately discernable by the rider, that nothing could possibly ever go wrong and truly believe that accidents only happen to other people or that brain damage is no big deal… then there is no need for a helmet.

I’m going to get a good one.

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On Books on Horses

Posted on January 23, 2012 by Bob Goddard

As I was walking Maree around in the ground portion of Lesson #16, Brenda called me to the edge of the arena.

“I have a book to show you, Bob.”

A book? Oh, good. I like those.

I was hoping for something on Frederick the Great or maybe Patton. Instead, Brenda presented a rather thin, but well used book on riding horses. It was Sally Swift’s Centered Riding.

“I just love this book.” Brenda quickly flipped through the pages, pausing at a spot that I assumed wasn’t random.

“I’ve used it for several years. She has a wonderful way using analogy and examples. It’s just a great book.”

Brenda’s enthusiasm was infectious and I wanted to page through the book myself.  I thought perhaps I could gather some tidbit of Sally Swift’s riding wisdom and use it in my lesson. But I was holding on to a horse and it’s difficult to look through a book with one hand. And it didn’t help that Maree was rubbing her nose on the sleeve of my Detroit Lion’s jacket.

Geesh. I wouldn’t do something like that to her.

Brenda was clearly showing me this book as reference for future use.  And I am going to pick up a copy for sure. When someone as experienced as Brenda refers a book like this to me, I listen. I’m sure she’s read lots of them and for some reason this one stands out. I’m going to find out what that reason is.

This brings the books I have to read about horses and riding up to four.  Karin loaned me Ride Right with Daniel Stewart and I really need to get to that soon. For Christmas, Jamie sent me a unique book, Horses I’ve Known, a collector’s item by a gentleman named Will James. And I will soon be exploring the depths of Bubba to the Rescue, a book by Jennifer Walker, a fellow horse book author. I will be doing a thorough review of Jennifer’s book in March. So stay tuned!

I’m looking forward to all this winter reading. I’ve read horse books before, but never while taking lessons. It will be fun to see how the 2-D world of books translates into the 3-D world of riding.

And once I actually know some things, look out baby.  I will become Bob ‘The Insufferable’ Equestrian.

 

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Stepping Out Slowly

Posted on January 19, 2012 by Bob Goddard

For Lesson #16, Brenda had me ride Maree, the little Chestnut Quarter horse.  After my time on the Thoroughbred and Arabian, Maree seemed safe and deliberate. So sweet and serene, this horse.  So relaxed and unhurried. So laidback and tranquil.  Nearly comatose.

Brenda and Maree prepare for Bob

I exaggerate, of course.  Maree is a fine horse and there was work to be done. Lots and lots of work. Brenda set up some pylons and had us do spirals in and around them. The idea was to look and think ahead about our next move.

“It’s like when you’re driving a car, Bob.  You don’t all of a sudden slam on your breaks when you come to a stop sign.”

I liked her confidence in my driving skills.

“You naturally plan ahead and make the stop gradually. You always look ahead.”

This was funny, because the last time an instructor used a driving analogy with me, it was Karin gently reminding me “reins aren’t a steering wheel.”  Apparently, I was falling back on the old “hands at 10 and 2” in that lesson.

But I got Brenda’s point.  You don’t make an abrupt change in direction and expect the horse to happily comply. They’re not running backs. By looking where you want to go next, you provide the horse with subtle cues. They’re very sensitive and you have to have confidence that they are getting the message.

I just couldn’t keep Maree moving.  There were moments where I had to look at other objects in the arena to see if our spatial relationship with them was changing to know if we actually going anywhere.

Brenda gave me a riding crop and I proceeded to strike the back of the saddle with it. I simply couldn’t see where the crop was making contact. I was looking forward like I was told to. And I couldn’t seem to get the crop far enough to the rear while keeping the reins far enough forward. A man needs three arms to ride this horse.

Brenda told me to get my legs on Maree.

“Keep contact with your legs to keep her moving.”

Special Instructions should read: "Keep legs on her"

This, I knew. However, every time I got my legs on her, my heels went up. And every time my heels went up, Brenda told me to put them back down.

For some reason that I am unable to explain, putting my heels down made my legs come off Maree. There is a mysterious body mechanic here that I’m just not getting. I’m sure it has something to do with “The Core”.  And leg muscles. Everything does.

It’s simple: either I get in better shape or my equestrian career will proceed at a snail’s pace.

Brenda concluded the session by showing me how to back the horse. It’s a pull and release, pull and release thing. This made perfect sense to me and I was actually able to get Maree to do it.  Hooray for Brenda! Hooray for Maree!

Last August, at Karin’s Horse Connection Trail Mix Fun Fest, I was unable to get Maree to back up, despite 20 different people simultaneously shouting instructions on how to do it.  Now, I know how to do it myself. Hooray for me!

Sometimes going backwards is progress.

August, 2011

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